Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
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