I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Sorry my hands just texted you
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
