Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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