i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Randomize
