I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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