just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
