I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
there is puke in my bra ... again
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