Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
