One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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