I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
