he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Randomize
