I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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