ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
