but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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