I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Randomize
