i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
