Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
