Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
You were trust falling into bushes
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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