Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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