I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
