So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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