he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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