Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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