Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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