remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
she told me i tasted like america
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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