the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
