god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
