this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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