The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
