Kiss
Puke
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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