I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
