i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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