Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
