I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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