I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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