why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
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