I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
