if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
