Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
