My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
So much rum. So many feels.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
