then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
