I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
