I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize