You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
