Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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