he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
