last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
