My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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