So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Randomize
