i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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