I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
