I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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