its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
