My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
