I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
