Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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