How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
