I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
