Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize