Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
