Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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