i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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