I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
